My name is Maria Christine Tarte, but everyone calls me Mia. I’m nineteen years old. I have wanted to start a bog for some time now but have been too afraid to write down my thoughts and what I have been going through for fear that my loved ones might read over my thoughts and be upset or disappointed. They have been wonderful listeners and supporters but I limit what I say because I’ve learned its upsetting and straining to hear too much.
Since middle school I’ve had an eating disorder. I’ve bounced from bulimia to anorexia to bulimia to over eating and now back to bulimia. I should mention that during these years I have had periods of normal, almost stress less eating but these moments have never lasted long. My weight has been stable form almost the last two years. Aside from a few minner set backs such as last fall when I lost 20 pounds when I went to college. I’ve been gaining it back since Christmas break because my doctor Cora Brunner threatened to pull me out of school and not allow me to study abroad in Europe next school year. You would think that me being nineteen years old wouldn’t allow her to do this, but a part of my acceptance was agreeing with the University of Portland to stay healthy and in touch with a doctor at school and back home in Seattle. Failing to do so would result in termination from my school.
So right now I am fat at a normal weight and signed up to study abroad in Europe next school year.
I suppose I am writing because I’m tiered, tiered of keeping things to myself. Tiered of the constant worry that I’m going to disappoint, and tiered of not understanding who I am. I think writing down my thoughts will help me to discover who I am and why I do the things I do. Maybe then I can change my behavior once and for all. And I’m not just talking about the eating disorder. There are numerous actions I’ve taken which I’m not proud of.
So here are my thoughts, memories and daily activities. Make of them what you will, but they are my attempt to gain insight into myself and release these bubbling emotions inside.